It Aint Easy. But It Is Worth It, inshAllah

The most difficult thing I have ever had to do is to be a step-father. I decided when I was a young man that I did not want a traditional life or children. I wanted the freedom to do whatever I desired free of the responsibilities of traditional marriage or fatherhood. And I was very happy not having any children or too many social responsibilities. I lived the life I wanted to live well into my early fifties. I went where I wanted to go and stayed as long as I wanted to stay. I got in and out of trouble and had many good and exciting adventures in this country and abroad. I regret nothing and loved it all, even the pain and suffering and shame and humiliation. It was my life. I made my choices and have accepted the consequences. There was a lot more good then bad and for that I am thankful to the Goddess.

Things changed about six years ago when I met my wife, one of her names is "My". My has two sons by two different men. Diamond is fourteen and Asher is twelve. I have always understood that if I love a woman with children I would have to try to develop good relationships with her children. I have tried to develop good relationships with Diamond and Asher and I think for the most part we get along very well.

The reality of living as a step-father with two boys can be and is overwhelming at times. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

I have had a lot of experience living with and loving women. I have lived with and loved American women, foreign women and women of different ages, races and religion. I have tried to love and be loved by enough women over my life time to know how hard it is. I have failed at it repeatedly. At first I was a legend in my own mind. I thought I was a lot better man than I was in my relationships. After a certain point I realized how really bad I was in my relationships and I had to take a long hard look at myself. It was not fun or easy to do that. I still do that. I spent years reading about and trying to understand what it takes to have good relationships with people you love.

I tried and failed many times over those years to practice what I studied. Fortunately when I met My, I was better prepared to do what it takes and as a result of her patients and love and my development we are able to have a good life together. We work through the difficulties inherent in any relationship and enjoy immensely the pleasures life brings us. I have never been happier in my life as I have been for the last six years. She says the same is true for her.

I ask myself fairly often, if how I am living is reflecting my true intent in my relationship to my wife. I try to adjust my thoughts and actions accordingly. It is ALWAYS worth the effort no matter how difficult or long it takes. It is worth the work because it keeps me in a good relationship with the most important person in my life, my wife and friend My.

Being a good step-father is much more difficult then being a good husband for me. They are not my biological sons. But I have lived with them for six years and have taken an active part in raising them. So I am one of the two men in their lives who is responsible for their welfare and upbringing. I am honored to be in this position and very humbled by it as well.

I lose my temper with the boys more than I would like and have said and done many things I wish I had not. I have to admit that for awhile I wished I could chuck the whole thing and leave because I felt like I was going crazy trying to deal with the rougher aspects of being a step-father. If I did not love My and know how incredibly blessed I was to be with her I probably would have left. In fact I know I would have left.

But as the years have passed I have grown to love and appreciate the boys. And just as I had to face myself in my relationship with women so I have had to face myself in my relationship with Diamond and Asher.

I have had to admit that if I ask them to take responsibility for their choices and actions I had to take responsibility for mine with them. That is very humbling and difficult at times. When they mess up as kids will do and I get really pissed and lose it as adults will do, I have to admit my part in the situation while not excusing their parts. It is a difficult balancing act. I have to say and mean that no matter what they did or did not do my going off on them is still not right. I have to try to deliver the needed messages and corrections to their behavior in a way that helps them understand not in a way that just vents my frustration or anger.

When I lose my temper with them it just puts another layer of ugliness between us and the very real problems we have to face and deal with. The same principles of communication I learned to use with my wife are needed when dealing with my step-sons. I have to admit it is a lot harder dealing with them then it is dealing with My. It is very easy to fall into being a bully at times with them instead of trying to work difficult situations out in a way that is good for us all. But later when I look back at how I behaved I have had to go to them and apologise for my behavior.

I told the boys a few years ago that being a family means among other things, having to ask for and give forgiveness a whole lot of times. But to say you are sorry for your actions is only one of many steps that have to be taken. We have to intentionally and honestly look at the situations that cause the problems and try to gain some insight into what we could have done differently.

It does not matter what we or other people did or did not do in any situation that turned bad. We have to let go of blaming other people or even ourselves. We need to instead try to understand the dynamics of what occurred and look for pivotal points where we could have chosen different responses. We then need to remember the past and what we have learned and try something new when the situation re-occurs. And the situation in one form or another always comes around again. The players may change but the dynamics will be the same.

I tell the boys and myself that If we study what happened and look for different ways to respond to pivotal points in the future, life will get better. I tell Diamond and Asher both that we are in this together. I do not ask them to take responsibility for their choices and behavior and not hold myself to the same standards. I am equally responsible for my reactions as they are for theirs. Every difficult situation that arises is one that challenges us all to respond in a good way. When we fall short of our intentions, and we almost always do, we can let go as soon as possible of blame, shame, anger, and fear and try something different until we work through what ever the problem may be, as a family.

I am learning a lot being a step-father and I am very grateful for the opportunity. I hope to write more about this soon, inshAllah.